Friends Don't Let Friends Drive With Cod in Their Trousers

members.tripod.com/~angumbdo/codtrousers.html

I've decided that, much like dirty socks which have been left unwashed for several months on the floor, Newsletter 19 can now stand alone, and be a Newsletter in it's own right. And you know what that means!!! Well, yes it means that my floor is literally crawling with month old dirty socks, but that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking that it means this is Newsletter 20!!!! YEEEEAAAA!!! Ok, I shall now give you an overview of what will be discussed in this Newsletter: Actually that usually just sort of evolves as I write it, so instead I'll give you an overview of what will NOT be discussed in this Newsletter: I will not say anything about Bill Clinton, because I have a 30-page report on him due this Friday and I want to have nothing to do with him until late Thursday or, preferably, early Friday. I shall also not talk about mushrooms, because I've been talking about mushrooms all week and I think I'm beginning to frighten my friends. And finally, I won't even MENTION tarpaulins, for obvious reasons. So if you wanted to read about any of those things here, too bad. I guess you'll just have to subscribe to the Bill Clinton, Mushroom and Tarpaulin Digest, cause I shall discuss none of it here. Yessir, there will be no talking about Bill Clinton, Mushrooms, or Tarpaulins in this publication. Nope, I shall not even write Bill Clinton, Mushrooms, or Tarpaulin at all. Not once. You can rest assured that Bill Clinton will not appear anywhere in this newsletter. Nor will Mushrooms. Or Tarpaulin. Never shall they show their ugly mugs in these writings. Ok, I think that's enough meaningless jabbering for now, don't you?

First off, I don't know if I've already written about the FDLFDWCTT Anthem cause I seem to have lost Newsletter 18, so if I'm repeating myself just bear with me (I'd prefer a Grizzly Bear with me, cause they're really big and menacing, but I'll take any sort of bear. Sorry, I couldn't resist). Our anthem is to be sung to the well known tune of Harry Belafonte's smash hit "Matilda". What!?!?! Do you mean to tell me you've never heard Harry Belafonte's smash hit "Matilda"?!?! Well then you just put your ear up to the monitor and listen good, cause here it comes: "He said the woman piaba and the man piaba and the tan-tan cole bacalayman grass. The lily root, goly root, belly root, HUH! And the famous granny scratch-scratch." No, wait, that's Harry Belafonte's smash hit "Harry Belafonte Sings Crazy Madness About Plants and the Birds and Bees and Stuff". Let's see, ah, here's "Matilda": "Maaatildaaaa, Maaatildaaaaaaaa, Maatildaa she takes me money and runs Venezuela (repeat). 500 dollaaaars friends I lost, what made me sell me cat n horse. Heyaaa, Matilda she takes me money and runs Venezuela." The words to our anthem, however, are infinitely better (not exactly an amazing feat): "When yooouuu driiive, Wheeen yoouuu driive, when you drive you better not have cod in your trousers. Bop a da! (repeat)" Then it has some more lyrics and stuff which I can't remember right now, probably because I never quite learned them. If you've recently ingested some mushrooms (I didn't say that) and want the entire song write an email to Member Noah (NAKsanders@aol.com), who you can blame, er, give credit for this song.

Ok, what else should I talk about here? Ah, yes, the whole message in the school bulletin campaign. Well that kind of stopped happening, which is to say they stopped putting the messages in the bulletin. I don't understand why, though. I wrote a nice long paragraph about how people interested in discovering the meaning of life, the universe and everything could come meet in the the quad, that big muddy place in the center of campus, after school. I just don't know why it didn't get put in.

There really isn't much more to report, FDLFDWCTT-wise, since we've gotten pretty busy with school and haven't done much lately. So, in order that this newsletter be as long as it's earlier counterparts, I shall include one of the reasons that I haven't written a newsletter for so long: a Current Event from Government class! Now, sure, you could say I'm just being lazy and not writing new stuff for you. You could say I'm trying to show off my homework BS-ing skills. You could say I'm trying to get out of helping my parents hang drapes by pretending to type up a paper for school. Sure, you could say all that, and you'd be right, too. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna put in the current event anyway! But first, a not on the layout: The first paragraph is a summary of the article, second is a note on the world implications, and the final is how it will affect you, er, me, er, the writer. By the way, some of the jokes in the summary require that you be able to read the accompanying article, so you guys might not understand some of the stuff in the first paragraph. Just trust me that it's funny. For me, at least. And now, the Current Event:

Current Event #5
Well, this week my article is the profound and earthshaking "Citizens aren't mincing works about onion shortage in India". This sappily written peice concerns, obviously, an onion shortage in India (gasp!) Evidently this shortage is causing riots, Newspaper editorials and political speeches as the pathetic citizens mourn their favorite veggie (forgive my sappy writing style, I've been influenced by this evilly sappy article). A bad crop of onions this year has caused these problems, as prices for onions range from 10 cents to 70 cents a pound. Evidently onions have caused problems before, as last year disgruntled onion farmers offered 27 dollars to anyone who could knock out an official with an onion. Even a popular Indian satirist was so affected by the shortage that he ceased to be funny.

Well, though this article was in the world section of the paper, I fail to see how it affects the world scene. Wait, I have it! See, India's going to be plunged into chaos because of the onion shortage. In the ensuing riots and looting all those who love onions shall be killed, leaving only those immune to the onions allure alive. This new India, unfettered by onion-oriented politics and economics, shall take over the world and hold it in it's onion-free grasp for 100 years until the valiant people of Belgium rediscover the rutabega to be their brave national vegetable and beat the Indians into submission, holding sway over the world for 2 hundred and 37 years until a Cuban farmer trips over a cucumber on fall morning, but I won't go into that.

This article has irreversibly affected me. I shall never be able to look an onion in the eye with a straight face again. Heck, I never looked an onion in the eye period, straight face or no, but that's not the point. The point is that after reading this article I'm going to change my lifestyle, I'm going to be a new man, I'm going to start stockpiling rutabegas and onions and hide out in Montana.

Say, one last actually FDLFDWCTT related issue: Member Jennifer overhead someone at school mention that they were riding their bike, happily pedalling along, when they hit a dead fish that was lying in the road and it got all tangled up in their spikes and they fell over! I was going to involve in a funny story or something, but the humor of it is much like my dirty socks so I decided to leave well enough alone.

Well that's all I feel like writing right now, and it just rained so I think I'll go out on a mushroom hunt. What? Mushroom? I didn't say mushroom! What are you talking about? Anyway, I think I'll invite Bill Clinton (you didn't see that) along, and we can wrap the mushrooms (must be a typo) up in a tarpaulin (handerkerchief. I said handkerchief).